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We aren’t out of the woods yet, folks. Another earthquake, possibly a 4.1 or 4.4, could be lurking just around the corner, waiting to pounce and knock your lamp over! Thus frightened, it is now my obligation to almost but not entirely allay your fears with my new feature: Earthquake Watch 2005.

Earthquakes are merely one result of the movement of the tectonic plates deep beneath the Earth’s crust, and probably the least worrisome when you consider that searing hot magma could be exploding all around you just as easily as the ground shaking a bit. To help you plan for the least amount of geologic troubles, the following is a highly detailed and accurate map of where some sort of tectonic activity could occur on Earth at some point in the future.

(Note: this map is for scientific use only and is not intended to aid in the locating of nearby Denny’s restaurants. Always consult a physician before attempting to dine at Denny’s.)

While you may not be able to escape the Earth’s violent spasms, there are still options for those looking for a respite. Some suggestions include moving to outer space or the moon, or shedding your corporeal form and becoming a being of pure energy. Keep in mind that, while there are no earthquakes on the moon, that doesn’t preclude the possibility of moonquakes. You’re on your own for how to deal with those.

So you’re experiencing an earthquake: what now? Assuming that it isn’t strong enough to turn the area into a Mad Max-esque post-apocalyptic landscape (which I will cover in the forthcoming Thunderdome Watch 2005), here are some tips to make sure that your next earthquake is safe and educational.

• If you are indoors when the earthquake occurs, calmly move outside, carefully avoiding falling bookshelves and broken glass.
• If you are outdoors when the earthquake occurs, calmly move inside, carefully avoiding falling clouds and broken dreams.
• If you are in a doorway when the earthquake occurs, calmly split in two, positioning half of yourself completely outside, and half inside.
• Do not panic during the earthquake. There will be plenty of time for that afterward.
• Stop, drop, and roll.
• Make sure to store plenty of food and water, as well as first aid supplies, in a safe location. In hindsight, I probably should have told you this before the earthquake.
• Be sure to freak out as completely as possible at even the smallest tremor, despite the fact that you live in an earthquake zone and really should expect this by now, so that the local news interviews you and thus has to do even less work to pad out an already fluff-filled half-hour of evening news.

With these tips you are reasonably assured of at least knowing that an earthquake is happening, as opposed to a meteorite impact or the Rapture. Remember, earthquakes are the planet’s attempt at obliterating the parasitic infestation that is humanity, just like a dog scratching behind its ear. Well, in that case it’s fleas, not humanity. Dogs are actually pretty fond of humans, and scratching their ear wouldn’t do much anyway. Now go out there and get those earthquakes… before they get you.