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I wrote this a long time ago and just can’t bring myself to delete it, much like my hard drive post, so you get to be subjected to more of my ramblings and inane puns. We go back, now, to a simpler time when commercials for Very Large Burgers from various eateries captivated the minds and stomachs and maybe spleens of America.

There’s no denying it: America is fat. The obvious answer to this problem is healthier diets and more exercise. Instead we hope for the miracle obesity cure while we fill every orifice with low carb, fake sugar, fat substitute garbage that is probably far worse for us than old fashioned lard. Well, some of us do anyway. There are several different schools of thought when it comes to food:

• It’s completely natural and possibly soy based. Let’s go jogging!
• It’s made almost entirely out of chemicals. It will magically make you thin!
• It isn’t moving and probably won’t kill you if you eat it. Chow down!

To cater to this third group, things like “supersizing” and hamburgers stuffed full of smaller hamburgers were created. We all know about the Monster Thickburger, which ruins my ability to call it a monstrosity by advertising that fact in its name, developed by the evil foodologists at Hardees/Carls Jr. This burger packs a whopping 1400 calories, and with a small soda and fries constitutes the average 2000 calorie intake for the day, all without providing any significant nutritional content! And people willingly pay for this! There is also a low-carb Thickburger that replaces the bread with lettuce, which through some ill-understood arcane ritual makes the death-burger healthy, apparently. In either form, the thickburger features two 1/3 pound beef patties, two slices of cheddar cheese, and enough bacon to do something ironic. For once, they could have gotten away with calling this the Ultimate Cheeseburger, since it very well could be the last thing you eat. Then Wendy’s came along and gave us the Classic Triple Cheeseburger.

When I first saw an ad for this burger, I couldn’t believe it was real. Three 1/3 pound patties? When I just finished being outraged by two? In my day I’ve seen a lot of burgers with a lot of meat, but most try to disguise the fact that they are a gussied up pile of cow flesh by inserting various less beefy things in between the patties. Cheese, bacon, onion rings, and — god forbid — non-grease laden things like lettuce, tomatoes, and bread all serve as a distraction from the fact that you are consuming a stack of dead bovine. This obviously doesn’t deter anyone in the slightest, so I have devised a new, extra-meaty burger to foist upon the ever widening public in the hopes that they’ll gleefully shovel fistfuls of this detritus down their gullet holes. I give you the Beefbun Burger!

If there’s one thing America likes more than delicious, heart-stopping beef, it’s gimmicky food. Here we have a burger much like those Oreos that inverted the chocolate cookie and cream filling. Sandwiched between two beef patties is a slice of bread, which has been coated with cheese to make up for its relative healthiness. There will also be the Ultimate Beefbun Burger, which replaces the cheese-bread with beef wrapped in bacon. Can you say “bypass?” Probably, since it’s a simple two syllable word.

And that’s all I’ve got. The post sort of ran out of steam right about here. I had grand plans for graphs and photoshopped burger pictures, but my enthusiasm for the subject has waned. There were also some hastily typed notes that sort of formed a conclusion, but the only line worth saving was the very last: “Remember, the only inedible part of a cow is the hooves!” I think that’s a good a place as any to call it a night.